Written sporadically over the course of a month whilst working on several different pieces
29/03/24: I have been stuck on a painting. It is not that I dislike it, I’ve managed not to muddy up the colours, but there is something missing and I do not know what it is. That is the issue working with a silent partner, they cannot tell me what they need, only clues left for me to figure out. So I sit and stare, I stand up, walk around the room, from the corner I look at the canvas which has not moved. Perhaps if I sit on my chair upside down and see it from there I will be able to spot the lack. But so far, I’ve got nothing but a few ideas of details to refine.
I am bothered by large blank spaces, a single colour taking up space, not contributing anything besides uninteresting texture. Lack is an issue. I cannot let things be still, empty. I think it is an issue in my work overall, that perhaps I am not a good enough artist to be subtle. In the future, I would like to limit myself and to properly plan. Even after so many years of painting, I do not plan my palette, I go with “vibes” which is likely why my paintings have become so muddy. Trying not to let insecurity of not knowing get the better of me and instead see it as a good thing that one is never done learning. It’s just hard when what you learn seems obvious.
30/03/24: Snapped my palette knife while mixing paint, not even sure how but the handle gave way. Suppose it’s an excuse to go to the art shop, need more yellow. The tubes of paint keep splitting open, the metal appears to be no match against my nails as I squeeze out their contents. The lid of the white paint fell off and I haven’t been able to find it for over a month. It is as if everything is breaking down. It’s just funny how the little things stack up and all I’m trying to do is interpret an image in my head.
02/04/24: I did the worst canvas stretching of my life, the fabric ripped as I pulled at the ends but was able to solve the issue somewhat. Not clean work but finished work. Spent too much money at the art shop, but unfortunately art making means every so often having to splurge on supplies after putting it off for too long. I got beautiful sturdy stretcher bars, usually I go for the thinner, cheaper ones but knew I’d have to bite the bullet eventually. Sold a painting and was able to afford them, the work eats itself, something like that.
Clearing out old paintings I no longer want taking up space which I don’t think are good enough to sell but also it feels wasteful to throw them out. So I do some stretches, get on my knees, and sand the hell out of them until the paint is worn flat. Mix primer with a little water, get the first layer going. Then I wait. Waiting is my preoccupation, art making an aside. I rub the drying primer from my hands and flip a record. I like to blast noisy ugly music when I prime a canvas, the energy surging through me. Recently I’ve been plugging my 15-year-old iPod nano into the aux to avoid getting paint on less sturdy music machines. The thing could get a drivers permit if it wanted to. Also it’s only 8GB so I must be very selective of what I put on there, limiting oneself means you must cater exactly to yourself, not to an imaginary audience. I’m trying to put that to canvas. My skills are limited, my supplies are too, so one must be particular.
11/04/24: Did a red wash over a canvas, turning the greens a little more sickly, which I like. But it is beginning to be overworked and despite enjoying the process, I need to leave it be for a bit. I am reminded of why I worked with acrylics for so long, but even then I was annoyed by the amount of waiting when I’m on a roll. Sit back in my chair across the room and stare at the picture for a long time until I see its faults. The central focus looks like she’s doing a duck face. Adjust. Sit back down. Now she’s smirking. I leave it and eat dinner. The next morning she will still looks a mess, her body three different tones of green, but not in the way an actual body is different tones. It just looks like different bodies put together. But I must leave it be and let the oils dry.
15/04/24: Scratch that overworked it. But I did a yellow wash after picking at the details and it’s balanced the piece out. I cannot paint hair to save my life. As my sister said, “It’s all tones” but I am more of a cartoonist, making flat images. Lack of depth and out of my depth.
Watching videos on how to paint hair, understanding it in theory but in practice can’t seem to get it right. Realised I just need to restart on the hair/face but once again must wait for paint to dry so I can sand it and redo. Wonderful. So much for finishing the painting today.
Ordered a bunch of canvas, read the measurements but still worried I managed to misread.
Gave up on sketching and filling up my old sketchbook and decided it’d been awhile since I made anything from modroc. Cutting up cardboard and taping things together. Chose to make a Witch King of Angmar mask, I made one when I was 17 and wondered if I could improve. So far subpar. But it is just cardboard at the minute. Should give it more time. My mannequin head sits on top the bookshelf with a homemade Christmas crown on, soon she’ll be back in use, the white plaster stuck to bits of her face that if I try to scratch off will also damage her. I think the witch king mask will suit her.
16/04/24: My desk is ruined and covered in plaster. Hands caked. It’s quite fun but very messy.
17/04/24: Added a bit to the mask, realised I should have done a full cardboard version before adding modroc and am a bit stuck on what to do next. Ah well. Hanging it from the tripod in the corner. Painted hair and it looks okay all things considered. Redid the face. Now must wait for it to dry again so I can do another wash and then it might actually be done. Love that I need to wait 2+ days to do a 10 second task. The joys of art making! But I got a big bulk of canvas arriving today which I’m excited about, though that means I should be spending the day sketching ideas rather than wing it. Planning is a practice.
I realise most of this is just me complaining. I find it hard to articulate why I enjoy this process. It never feels like I’m building something, it feels like I am digging something up. Something that already exists, I just need to find it. When I was a kid, whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I’d say “Paleontologist”, because I loved (and still love) Jurassic Park. And here I am, digging stuff up.
Nevermind about waiting. I was impatient and tried to do the yellow wash over wet green paint. Kinda worked, I’m done. There’s a weird yellow glow around the character’s head which I probably should have fixed, but I didn’t because I simply didn’t want to. I lack professionalism don’t I? It’s never about whether the painting is done or not but about whether or not I am.
18/04/24: Delighted with the giant roll of canvas I got, 60inch wide and 7 yards long, should last me a healthy while. Attempted to sketch out an idea, I am conflicted by the colour palette. Picking between a light, bright canvas or a dark dingy one. The idea takes place in a bar so dark is the obvious choice. But because it’s obvious I want to make it light. Start light can darken it later.
Unfortunately I need to sit down and clean all my brushes today. Stretch a canvas. Prime. Wait. Get the modroc off the desk chair.
I think I need to take myself more seriously. To hold myself to a higher standard than I’ve been in regards to my practice. To not lazily draw on the canvas and think “good enough”. To smooth out the edges, to redo things than leave be. Patience. So much more patience.
Stopped using 7oz canvas and moved on up in the world to 12oz and umm….it’s obvious that it’s nicer and the annoyance that comes with that. Knowing now I will have to spend more on quality materials rather than being cheap about it.
21/04/24: Yesterday I drew a grid on the canvas after sanding down a 4th layer of primer. The sketch folded up and back out again so the lines come through, taped to the wall. Today I am going to leave the canvas alone and instead consider colour. A pale yellow, almost white, a big dark blue coat. Yellow, blue, white and green is the idea, but I am my own worst enemy, and must resist the temptation to add more. Keep it simple and disciplined. Do not get carried away by the need to fill in space. No checker pattern. NO CHECKER PATTERN.
22/04/24: I had been hoping I would have more revelatory and insightful things to write during the month, instead it became a record in monotony. More often than not, I don’t think too much about what a piece means, it finds its way out on its own. All I can hope is that I am unspooling and rearranging its parts properly. Like a musical piece, separate pieces layered together, removing and adding, until is it becomes a single entity.
Completed a sketchbook for the first time in what feels like ever. I do have another sketchbook that only has one page left but it feels wasteful to fill a page just for the sake of it. But maybe that’s exactly why I should do it?
For the last couple days, a dear friend and I have been discussing goals, particularly when it comes to our art practice. More so our lack of them and how it’s hard to build a life when everything is so unpredictable. I find it terribly hard to envision my future, because so much is up to chance. Or fate. I’ve told several friends in the last week that I want to move back to England but the reality seems to be that I’m in America for the foreseeable future. Hard to build goals around places one does not want to be. I fear the longer I push it, the more will be changed upon my return. Which is inevitable. Maybe the fear is that I have not changed at all.
Thank you for reading,
Enya x
I like the idea of art being dug up or revealed as though it is there and waiting for the artist to uncover it